Avoiding My Paper: An Ode to Shauna Cant

I should be finishing my research paper about dead people, but instead I'm going to avoid it and tell you about Shauna.

• She has red hair- a sign of the devil. Her opinions don't count because she has the wrong colour hair. 
• Her solution to traffic jams is flying- I have the text message to prove it.
• When I told her I had a laser appointment on my lunch and would be back a few minutes late she asked if it was laser eye surgery. She believes I can get get laser eye surgery over lunch and come back to work.
• She has told me she doesn't know how to live without me. She has stalking tendencies. 
• Like Patricia, she is also an expert at hiding her illiteracy.
• She wants to name her first born child Costco, and her second baby Banana Republic 
• She likes to bbq in the snow

What I could be writing about

What I am writing about

 Patricia is ugly. That is all.

Thank God for Bailers: Update

Patricia came home in a Uhaul.

Patricia on her drive home to Ontario

 

She travels like the goat that she is. 

That is all.

Thank the Lord Baby Jesus for Bailers

Today I got the some delightful news- Patricia's terrible attitude and lack of will to continue her bike trip across Canada brought her home!!! She bailed. YAY! Although I am sad I will not be receiving postcards from every province, I am happy to have someone in my life who I can abuse and not run the risk of legal implications.

I have not seen my hag-friend yet, although I suspect she looks like some medium-rare meat.

What I suspect Patricia looks like

She didn't make it all the way across Canada, so I doubt she looks like an overcooked goat. However the amount of time she spent outside most likely resulted in her looking like an undercooked cow.

Despite Patricia's unattractiveness, and lack of perseverance I would like to congratulate her for making it as far as she did across Canada without dying. I had suspected that Chris would abuse her, she would run out of food and she would end up on the side of the road being eaten by her fellow goat colony. Making it to Regina on a bike is impressive- especially when you do it with a bag on your head to shield passers-by from your face.

On another note, I would like to advise everyone not to spend $4 on a frappe latte of any flavour from TCBY. They're not worth it. Only do it if you have a two-for-one coupon and a friend to share it with. The friend makes up for the unimpressive beverage.

That is all.

Great Minds Think Alike

Today I received another postcard from Patricia. 

Postcard from Patricia

I thought this was funny for a number of reasons:
1. Patricia managed to get her picture on a postcard.
2. Patricia chose to send me this postcard a full 5 days before I started a blog dedicated to informing the world  
    she is an illiterate, heinous looking goat- apparently we think alike
3. Patricia said she chose this postcard because "I (Natalie) look like a goat and smell like one too."

Even from across the country one of my best good (and most unattractive) friends makes me laugh.

I love you Patricia!!! I hope your sunburn is improving your appearance!!

Congratulations Patricia

I would like to congratulate Patricia on hoodwinking yet another educational institution into accepting her to one of their programs. Humber College is the new sucker, as she will be working (I use that term lightly) through the Public Relations program.

Congratulations Patricia in hiding your illiteracy yet again! I'm so happy and proud of you! Hopefully Humber won't figure out that you're illiterate and ugly and ban you from campus.

This is what Humber Accepted

Let Patricia's miracle acceptance remind you that anything is possible (even if you're ugly).

That is all.

Shout Out to a Biffle

Just a quick shout out to my exercise partner for giving me diabetes (and a Rolo Sundae). It was delightful. Shauna wants to know why it wasn't a mint sundae.

Thanks Again Nugget Buddy!!

 

Patrcia's face looks like a regurgitated Rolo Sundae. That is all. 

Ninja Goat

Here is photo from Patricia's cross-Canada adventures. As you can see, Patricia is attempting to escape Chris' abuse. Not only does he not feed her, but he doesn't allow her to shower (hence Patricia's body beard). Patricia writes on her blog "After about 30km we stopped in Strathmore for lunch, and to get some groceries. Chris went into Sobeys while I waited for the bike, and when he came back we had a delicious lunch consisting of turkey and havarti cheese sandwiches, fruitopia, and some fruit". What she fails to mention is Chris did not share his delicious sandwich- hence the ninja jail break.

Patricia's attempt at escape

Today, I think it is important that we all wish Patricia luck in future escape attempts. The ugly do not deserve to starve (at least in this case).

That is all.