She Finally Set The Record

This post may be slightly overdue considering the inspiration for this blog got hitched in August- but I was right! Patricia did indeed manage to be the most horrendous looking bride to ever walk the face of the planet. My earlier estimates of what she would look like fell very short of how truly awful she looked. I wish I had planned ahead, and glued a picture of the beautiful goat on to a paper bag for Patty to wear on her head....next time.

I've included the one and only picture we have with one another. I was unable to take any photos after this one, as my camera broke after just one snap of Patty's face.

Congratulations Patricia! You're married! I wish you luck on your life-long quest to stop Chris from running away from you in sheer terror every time he takes a quick glimpse of you. lav you, uggo!!!!

Parking Update- Summer 2012

Good afternoon friends:

Who's excited for another fantastic summer working at Parking?! The department has continued to make great efforts to improve every customer's experience in the office and out in the field. The most significant improvement we've made is to Shauna's face. Her goat face has been upgraded and she now resembles a giraffe after jaw surgery.

Let us all take the time to thank Baby Jesus that we have something a little easier on the eyes behind the front counter.

Ugly Troll Update: Patricia Is Getting Married

Patricia on her wedding day

'What a beautiful bridesmaid!' is what everyone will be saying about me after they get over the initial shock of Patricia. Never before in history has a makeup artist and photographer had such a difficult task ahead of them. Can they make Patricia appear to look like a  bloated, shriveled hillbilly corpse recovered from a crocodile swamp, rather than the ugly hag that she currently looks like? Only baby Jesus can answer that question. Apparently the world will also find out if miracles really happen on Patty's wedding day too.

Patricia and I have already discussed many details about her upcoming nuptials such as the type of bag she wants to wear on her head as well as what dumpster she wants to hold her ceremony behind. It's all very exciting!!

Congratulations Patricia and Chris!

Leaving Today!

I'm leaving for Italy today! After weeks of avoiding my suitcase I've packed up all of my stuff. Although bringing a keg of sunscreen monopolized the majority of space in my bag I still managed to make it under weight (barely) with room to bring my sherpa who gets to around cart all of my stuff.

This trip has resulted in receiving lots of interesting advice about travelling and the countries I'll be visiting. Apparently when you're a homebody people tend to think you won't come home alive. Here's some of the advice I've been given:

• Don't get arrested- thanks Dad
• Don't walk off with strange men (I definitely do that all the time at home, why wouldn't I do it in Europe?)
• It's acceptable to beat gypsies
• Flashing the Pope does not bring you closer to God
• Don't bring home any of the people you've dug up-it's too hard to explain why you have them
• Do not under any circumstance make eye contact with people on the Spanish Steps
• I'll credit Jessie for that one. I'll also give her credit for preventing me from walking off with strangers. You're now my mom's new favorite Jess

Hopefully I can make it to Rome in one piece and I don't get immediately pick-pocketed when I arrive. If I'm lucky I'll get to use some of that advice about the gypsies. Fingers crossed. 

Avoiding My Paper: An Ode to Shauna Cant

I should be finishing my research paper about dead people, but instead I'm going to avoid it and tell you about Shauna.

• She has red hair- a sign of the devil. Her opinions don't count because she has the wrong colour hair. 
• Her solution to traffic jams is flying- I have the text message to prove it.
• When I told her I had a laser appointment on my lunch and would be back a few minutes late she asked if it was laser eye surgery. She believes I can get get laser eye surgery over lunch and come back to work.
• She has told me she doesn't know how to live without me. She has stalking tendencies. 
• Like Patricia, she is also an expert at hiding her illiteracy.
• She wants to name her first born child Costco, and her second baby Banana Republic 
• She likes to bbq in the snow

What I could be writing about

What I am writing about

 Patricia is ugly. That is all.

Thank God for Bailers: Update

Patricia came home in a Uhaul.

Patricia on her drive home to Ontario

 

She travels like the goat that she is. 

That is all.

Thank the Lord Baby Jesus for Bailers

Today I got the some delightful news- Patricia's terrible attitude and lack of will to continue her bike trip across Canada brought her home!!! She bailed. YAY! Although I am sad I will not be receiving postcards from every province, I am happy to have someone in my life who I can abuse and not run the risk of legal implications.

I have not seen my hag-friend yet, although I suspect she looks like some medium-rare meat.

What I suspect Patricia looks like

She didn't make it all the way across Canada, so I doubt she looks like an overcooked goat. However the amount of time she spent outside most likely resulted in her looking like an undercooked cow.

Despite Patricia's unattractiveness, and lack of perseverance I would like to congratulate her for making it as far as she did across Canada without dying. I had suspected that Chris would abuse her, she would run out of food and she would end up on the side of the road being eaten by her fellow goat colony. Making it to Regina on a bike is impressive- especially when you do it with a bag on your head to shield passers-by from your face.

On another note, I would like to advise everyone not to spend $4 on a frappe latte of any flavour from TCBY. They're not worth it. Only do it if you have a two-for-one coupon and a friend to share it with. The friend makes up for the unimpressive beverage.

That is all.